Boredom Ensues...

I May Smell, But I Also Stink

Rectal Detachment

Rest In Peace Little Buddy

Today is a day of sadness for me.
I don't want to elaborate too much, because I'm still upset.
My puppy, Luke, passed away this morning.
I went to feed him and he wouldn't get up, wouldn't eat, wouldn't do anything.
That was completely abnormal for Luke. He always tore the gates off at feeding time.
I thought it was odd, but I left him some food and decided to check on him about an hour later.
An hour went by and he still had not improved. I scooped him up, took him to the vet, thinking he'd just eaten something that didn't agree with him or possibly swallowed a bone.
I dropped him off. I know the girl that works there and I knew he was in good hands. She too thought maybe something was lodged in his throat, she said it was no big deal that I could come back and pick him up. I went on to my eye doctor's appointment. When I came out, she had called and said he didn't make it. At first they thought someone had beaten him, then maybe he'd been run over but it turns out he had a mass on his lung. The mass ruptured and his lungs had filled with blood. They were fixing to do surgery, but he passed. She said he wasn't in any pain, they'd given him lots of morphine. He just went to sleep.
I am crushed and I'm really really going to miss that dog.

Daily Dose Of Doo

My friend Vicki just called and tried to convince me that they are going to start making coffee out of cat turds. "Can you believe that SHIT!?" She yelled. I tried to explain that they're not going to replace her Folger's Granny Blend with Folgers Kitty Excrement, but she wasn't listening. "YES THEY ARE! THEY SAID IT ON THE NEWS!!" She kept going on & on about how she was going to have to give up coffee because she didn't want to walk around smelling like a litter box. I'm assuming she's talking about Kopi Luwak . Vicki, however, is thinking they're going to replace her early morning ritual with a cat's after meal ritual & is completely freaking out. I started to explain it to her, but then it's much more hilarious to watch her drink out of her "Kiss My Grits" mug while holding her nose and trying not to heave.

Open Foot, Insert Ass

Whilst telling a story earlier in the day about kicking someone's behind, this lovely sentence came out of my mouth:
"Then I'll know whose foot to put my ass up."
It's been a crazy week...and it's only Tuesday.
Yesterday morning I took it upon myself to dump a gallon of tea in my lap. It stained my truck seat and I had to drive 20 miles feeling like a pants pisser.
Cup lids are shifty, evil bitches.

Cat Scratch Fever

Not too long ago I rescued 3 kittens from the cruel clutches of DEATH and how am I repaid? With some swift claw action to the palm of my hand, that's how. I reached down to pick up one of the "little fellers" (that was my Karl Childers impersonation) right about the time one of my dogs came running by. The cat thought it was going to be attacked, possibly mauled to bits, therefore causing his street days to come out and he went ape shit on my hand. Oh my gosh, of all the noise you ever heard! ..And the cat was screechin' too.
I will have no doubt, from this day forward, that those kittens can take care of themselves. The palm of my left hand looks like a bad motorcycle accident... with Hello Kitty band aids.
I thought for sure I was going to break out with fever, chills, nausea and vomiting. So, to shut me up, my mother pulled an Ernest on me. She goes "hey, is that a rabbit over there?" and when I turn to look she squirts half a bottle of ALCOHOL based sanitizer into my hideous, unforgivable scratches. She might as well have taken a lighter to it. I was running around the yard like the "stop drop 'n roll" guy on Fire Safety day.
"Now THIS boys & girls is what happens when you do good deeds and have a cruel, crazy person for a mother.".
"Ohhh Ahhh.."

Saturday Night With The Boys

Oh the stories I hear!
Tonight I went with my boyfriend to his hunting club's "semi-regular Saturday night get-together".
When you're cooped up in a shack with lots of hairy men, it doesn't take long for the vulgarity to start flying. I heard everything from one guy & his wife falling through the trailor floor while screwing in the bathtub to how to unstop a toilet if all you have is a pan of water & a cleaning glove. The main topics were sex, piss, shit (mostly how to take one on the side of the highway), huntin' and the ever popular "my wife doesn't let me ____". I had a good time though. I honestly enjoy being around those people. Mississippi may have a bad rap statistically, but I can honestly say it's home to some of the greatest people on earth.

Silence! I kill you.

Today my mother, future sister-in-law and I took a trip to Jackson.
After getting a ticket for going 85 in a 70, my mom spent the rest of the day trying to kill us.
It didn't help that she recently watched Jeff Dunham's Achmed the Dead Terrorist video on YouTube. Every time she nearly caused a MAJOR traffic accident, she would yell "Silence! I kill you!" in her best terrorist voice. If I had 50 bucks for each time she uttered that phrase today, I wouldn't be sitting here right now typing to my damn self. I'd be in Tahiti looking at fish through a glass floor and drinkin' $10 orange juice.

For those of you that haven't seen Achmed I give you this:

Bed Time Confusion

I just put my pajama pants on backwards...and they actually fit better that way.
Is something wrong here? I think my ass is eroding.