Day Old Easter Pee

Suddenly I'm some kind of famous photographer around here, I'm not quite sure who I am dating and I've had the spontaneous shits for 3 days straight. Oh and let's not forget the shocking experience of finding out, through extensive research, this new antibiotic I'm shoving down my throat makes my pee smell like eggs. I know I'm gross. I talk about gross things. The things I talk about should never be spoken out of a ladies mouth, blah blah blah. If I go to take a piss and am hit in the face by the scent of sulphur, by god I'm going to talk about it. Especially since I thought my arse had suddenly taken on a new smell and I scrubbed myself 6 times for a consecutive 30 minutes each -thinking the whole time- oh hell I've made fun of so many people for their unfortunate b.o. situations that it has finally coming back to haunt me. I'm going to be upset if I'm taking straight sulphur...simply because that crap is high. I have a bag of sulphur pelets outside in my garage that we spriggle in the flower beds to keep snakes away. I could have just taken a few of those. Either way I'm repelling things.
Now let's talk about the fact that I've been extremely popular lately in the photog department.
Keep in mind when I say extremely popular, I mean two people have asked me to take on projects in one week. Hey, that's pretty popular...especially since photography is a hobby to me. Perhaps I should rethinks me life goals. Anyway, I've been comissioned by a local snooty lady to take some pictures of the town & blow them up to a ginormous size, frame them and hang them on the walls of her restaurant. Then my friend, that I haven't talked to since the last time we got drunk and peed in a corn field together (or 4 yrs to those of u who weren't there), asked me to take some snaps at her wedding reception. Apparently the douche she paid 4800 bucks to doesn't lower himself to "snapshots". Whatev..she can consider it my wedding present.
The fact that people only contact me now days when they NEED something is getting rather annoying. The fact that my pee smells like the day after easter is annoying. And I'm sure if you're reading this, the fact that you can't get those few minutes of your life back...is annoying.

Here I Go AGAIN...

Someone get me an asprin, I'm missing my ex. Not missing as in misplaced this time, but heart tuggin' , memory lapsin', wish I had him back -missing.
NEVER thought that would happen.
I've been dating the sexiest freakin' guy and I'm sitting there thinking about my ex and having sex in a hot tub. Not even with both of them.
I started crying today I missed him so bad and since I STILL have a horrible sinus infection it was more like I was trying to strangle myself. Cry 'n gag. Cry 'n gag.
I'm ashamed to say that we had phonal-contact (I so totally just made up that word) today and we might be getting back together.
How in the world am I going to tell sexy hunk of man meat??
I have got to be an idiot for doing what I'm going, but ...I'm always an idiot so this is normal.

Desperation Tends To Make One Sort Of Flexible.

Today I dropped the top to my moisturizer and it rolled under the bed.
After a 47 second rescue mission my brain immediately aborts rational thought and turns to salvage mode.
Maybe I can fashion a new top out of press 'n seal and a rubber band.
No, on second thought, I'll just set this small bottle of finger nail polish remover on the top until I can MacGyver a new one.
How hard would it have been to pull out a few boxes to find the actual top?
Only a normal person with normal thought processes would know.

In other news, I cannot stop pooping.
I switched medications of myself because I'm way too lazy and cheap to go back to the doctor.
Plus, last time I was there, a 65 yr. old man fell out dead and soiled himself right in front of me.
I like to think it was an uncomfortable situation for the both of us.
Anyway, I've been taking mystery meds from the back of the cabinet.
Smart? No. Cheap? Yes.
Turns out...all cheap will get you on a Saturday night is the never ending urge to vomit and a dire case of the free shits.
And, depending upon rather or not you live in rural Mississippi, herpes.

No Thanks.

Dating is SUPER-HARD!
I had forgotten how much work was involved.
Between breath checks and trying to force out the coveted stink-less, soundless booty burp...
I am exhausted!
Honestly, I like this guy...but I -no longer- am the "going out" type.
Someone may ask me to go to a bar. No thanks. I can get wasted and grope myself at home. Naked even. Without the possibility of a nasty old guy trying to poke a pool stick in my brown eye.
Someone may say "hey, wanna go to a movie" No thanks. I'm not quite fond of driving 30 miles to sit next to a complete stranger that may or may not smell of rancid bok choy. Plus it is just ridiculous the amount of money those bitches charge for lemonheads. They are tiny flavored balls of sugar, not gold.
What it all boils down to is: I am a homebody with an extreme fear of expanding my comfort zone.

Oh well, there are worse things than being a homebody.
I could be an extremely unattractive homebody with backne & a vespa.

Me No Likey Skoo

Hmm, I just finished reading some guy's landscape design blog and I must say he came off as being a complete douche.
There's nothing wrong with sounding smart...as long as you're not trying to sound smart.
Turd was using words such as "pithily" and "anthromorphize". Heffer please.
I'm a landscape design student myself and the only "smart" words I use are "auto-sketch" and "contract".
Even those are used sparingly considering most of the time when I'm stuck behind the computer desk, I'm wishing I was outside playing in the dirt.
Me no likey skoo.

Sucky Blog Entry #9

My current Squeeze had to work late cutting corn today and maaaybe we had plans to go eat, but bitch was hungry and needed to take her antibiotics. So...I skipped on him. Now before all 3 of my readers go and get the tar & feathers I DID end up watching a movie with him. Two movies to be precise. We'll see if he actually calls me tomorrow. He acted kind of mad at first. Men need to know one thing about me. If I have to toot I'm gunna and I don't care where I am.
Seriously.
But the one thing they need to know is, this ho don't wait.

They should also not be jealous of my geniocity.