Speed up the process

Pall Mall keeps sending me crap.
Why don't they just tie a human to a tree and set fire to them with a cigarette?
Now THAT would be advertising.

Discount Keds & Silk Panties

Ok, some ho keeps trying to outbid me on eBay. NOT going to happen. I will choke a bitch over a Kathy Van Zeeland purse. Anyway... tonight my mom & I, along with a group of our friends, went to the local Mexican restaurant for a lil' Fajita Salad & terrible music. What ended up happening was we almost got kicked out because mama insisted on telling the story of when Granny shit her pants goin' to Jackson. All of us were laughing so hard, we were disturbin' the church crowd. Plus there was the fact that mama doesn't really know how to be quiet. Brother Lipton probably didn't need to know that my granny pooped in the woods on the side of the interstate, didn't know she got it all over her britches leg, said "I smell shit" half way down the road & made us pull over at McDonald's so she could wash her pants in the sink and dry them under the hand dryer. There was my lil' ol' granny standin' in the bathroom in her discount Keds & saggy silk panties just a rubbing those sea foam green pants. God rest 'er soul.
After eatin' and disturbin' the peace, we headed to the junk store for a little dumpster divin'.
I don't know why those people throw out perfectly useful pieces of trash.
I think I'll lay out tomorrow in my new beach chair.
...After I spray it for bugs.

Celebrating 50 Yrs.

Today is the birthday of my Edness. I should do something nice for her. I saw some enemas at a yard sale. You never know when those will come in handy. I hear coyote urine keeps coons away. A lady always needs a nice coon repelent. For my birthday this year she gave me a b.b. gun WITH a holster.

I guess I'm the last John Wayne in this town.

Mama's Home, bitches!

Moving is like having a pineapple shoved up your asshole. It pretty much sucks until its over. I'm back where I belong in the great state of Mississippi. Kentucky is alright if you're overly fond of never-ending horse decor.

Along with my move...I lost my boyfriend of 5 years. Well, not so much "lost" as -misplaced- after dumping him 6 times. I'm actually starting to miss his smelly ass and feet. We had a good run. In 5 years you definitely get comfortable even if you aren't 100% satisfied with the relationship. He calls a lot, but I don't answer. Part of me wants to talk to him, but another part of me wants to hit him in the mouth with a shovel.
Smoot has been taking advantage of the fact that I'm home again, which helps except he never knows when to leave. You could say something along the lines of "Welp, it's gettin' late. I should probably scrape my corns 'n get some sleep eye" and he'd just move his tally to the left and check some scores on ESPN. I have just pulled the plug on a 5 year relationship, but hey why wait until the carcus rotts? Gotta get it while its still warm.
Anyway, a person knows when they're in the right place. When I was in Kentucky it was that whole skinny girl in the Lane Bryant feeling...for 3 years straight.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go check myself for ticks.
Where the F is Brad Paisley when you need his wonky ass?