Utter confusion.

This guy actually likes me.
We never spoke to each other in high school.
He was probably the only person in high school that I did NOT speak to because I was pretrified of his hotness...and now we're dating.
Weird? Totally.

Bye Bye Chocolate Olicooks

I woke up this morning and all I wanted was an effing CHOCOLATE DONUT!
I HAD chocolate donuts yesterday, but of course I live with a 28 year old food sucking vortex.
Now I must settle for powdered.
The world is an evil place.

Shave Your Legs. Wash Your Butt.

Sexy Hunk of Man Meat just left my house.
The way he left made me a little uneasy.
Dating would be so much easier if you didn't have to shave your legs or brush your teeth.

Men are hard.

Excuse me, I came home from work tonight and Smoot was at my house talking to my brother.
I do NOT want that turd at my house!
He is disrespectful....among other things.
So I pretty much ignored him and went about my business.
Next thing I know he comes up to my truck where I've got my butt up in the air diggin' for a tree (one of those 'you'd have to be there' moments) and he wants to know what I'm doing.
I told him and then when I found what I was looking for, I walked off.
He proceeds to yell at my mom and me that he'll see us later, jumps in his truck & spins out of the drive way and then ten minutes after he leaves he sends me hate-ful text messages.
Messages such as "I'm just going to quit trying to be anything to you. I see now that it just wouldn't work" and "Maybe this is what you want. I don't know and I don't care."
What the fuck?
I'm NOT dating the boy, never really said anything to him to make him think we were "talking" so I'm a lil' confused. However, I'm also relieved because that probably means he will leave me alone. Anyway, I'm still happy with my new feller and this post is really sucky and completely unfunny.
I should just call it a day.

Drunk is good.

This boy I'm "talking to" is cuter than a bug toot in a wind sock.
We're supposed to be going out again tonight. Well, actually, I'm supposed to go to his house & he's going to cook for me. Is that too forward for a second date? I don't really care.
In all actuality I shouldn't be going anywhere. I had to get two shots in my hip day before yesterday and I'm all hopped up on a combo of nasal spray, antibiotics and some kind of crap called Ed-a-Hist.
I'm pretty drunk.
But sometimes drunk is good.
The last time I was drunk...I drank 4 bottles of Arbor Mist and watched Stuffin' Muffins 6.
Do you know there wasn't an oven or useful recipe in that movie anywhere?

Love In A Nut Sack

Tonight I went out with Sexy Hunk of Man Meat.
He seems like a good guy. He mentioned the words "nut sack" and "scrotum" so it just may be love.

Twat-hoppers

Jae's boyfriend saw my kooter monkey tonight.
We were standing outside talking and a grasshopper made himself at home up my shorts leg.
She said I flashed my beav.
I should have charged him for the peep show.

My Muffin's Moist.

I have a total crush on Bubba Skinner from In the Heat of the Night.
He's not as hot as the fine piece that asked me out recently, but dear heavens I would NOT kick that man outta bed...
even if he had the wet farts.

My HuMpS My HuMpS

I almost forgot!
This fine ass hunk of sexy man meat asked me out.
ME!
I used to look like Howdie Doodie with a vagina, but now I'm impressin' the men folk with my lady lumps.
"...back then she was nothin' but knees & elbows...golly did she grow up fast" -daddy's money by ricochet

Go me.

Lady "Droppings"

My mother informed me tonight that when a gal gets older... her bladder can fall OUT of her twassy.
Excuse me, that is disgusting.
Yet anothing thing to look forward to with age.
I can see me bustin' up in the doctor's office asking him if he could possibly compile everything so I would just have one hole for things to fall out of.
Hey, its all one incision away from being a vending machine anyway.

In other news, moms & I almost hit two deer today.
After the breaks stopped squeeling and I uncovered my eyes she yelled
" I think I shitted me pants!"
Me too mom.
Me too.

Happy Endings

I had a pedicure for the first time yesterday.
I think I'm in love.
If only they promised happy endings..

Injured list.

I spent most of this morning digging a chunk of glass out of the bottom of my foot. I guess if you go to a white trash political rally you're going to get some part of a beer bottle stuck in you somewhere.

Politics & Pubic hair.

Holy hells 'n beans. Today was the day of our towns "big" political rally. I ain't all up in the politics, but I AM into sellin' plants to a whole bunch of rich folks. Moms 'n me & V & Ni sat out there all day, from 9-4, sellin' plants to raise money for the nursery. We sold 200 dollars worth, which was more than I thought we'd sell...so I'm happy on that front. However, on the way home from eatin' at Tudie's we drove past ol' Jank Southerland's house. Y'all he was out in the yard with the water hose stuck down his pants, wearin' no shirt. I swear he looked like a marshmallow dipped in some pubie hairs. I don't mind if a person goes shirtless, but if you go shirtless and look like a pastry in need of a bikini wax and some tree loppers I WILL talk about yo' ass.
Anyway, it was hotter than a two fannied pole dancer today.
At least she/we got her/our moneys worth.

Monkey bleach.

I have red bugs on my hoo-hoo. Yesterday when we were at Uma's they took it upon themselves to attack my kooter region. My home girl Janie told me to pour a cup of bleach in my bath water, but I'm a little scared of that recommendation. I ain't into all that anal bleachin' stuff. Plus it might fry off my lady lips.
Anyway, I'm so tired right now I'm about to drop.
Since 10 this mornin' I've been working out in the flower garden. I've hauled God knows how many loads of dirt today. This nursery business is about to kill me.
After workin' all day, moms & me went down to Tudie's. Uma made us some fresh chicken salad.
It was the best stuff I'd ever put in my mouth. And I've had a lot of stuff in my mouth.
V & Ni's mama also gave me some fried apple pies for pickin' her beans & cucumbers awhile ago.
So if y'all will excuse me I'm about to go eat myself into a coma.
Later I might bleach my monkey.

Old School Tricks

Tonight moms & me & V & Ni got the bright idea to go over to Uma's and dig up some flowers.
Y'all this woman has flowers comin' out her butthole and she's always let you, as long as she likes you, come over and dig up what you want. Well, the mo-skeets was about to tote me off, Nini's sugar was low so she was over there stumblin' around looking like she was doin' interpretive dance & V got attacked by a dog. She calls all dogs "Camoodlie" and if you called me camoodlie I'd probably attack you too. She wasn't viciously attacked, the dog just got mud on her orange pants and she thought she was dyin'. Uma's son Buddy told me that I ought to get paid more...that way I wouldn't have to wear wind chimes as earrings. He -so obviously- does not know that I will kick his anus over my earrings. If I want to wear big earrings it is none of his business. That's where 87% of my confidence comes from. The other 13% is the fact that I have a total straight crush on myself.
Also, earlier today, I decided while I was in the pool that I was going to do some old school tricks (not that kind you get paid for). I took my hot pink $1.50 float and put it just close enough to the edge so that when I got a running start from the deck railing it would be there to catch my happy lil' optimistic ass. Wrong. I overshot the floatie by about 2ft. ended up stubbin' my toe and losing my top in 4ft. , hit my head on the step rail in 3ft. and got a dead bug in my mouth.
I guess there's some things you shouldn't do when you're 23.
-Or ever